In 2017 I was at a place of despair. It’s crazy to think that I am writing this about myself on this blog format. I am normally personal through poetry, but this time, in as simple English as possible, let’s get personal.
So in 2017 as I said before I was at a place of despair. What? But Nicolette, You were a Christian even then! Yes, I was and still am for your information. I am and will never be exempt from anything life throws at us. As long as we’re involved, something’s bound to go wrong/ human beings; we break things, people and hearts and I was definitely heartbroken.
Trauma had set in. The dormant parts of my life that I thought I had under control, soon erupted causing me to relive past offences over and over again. Memories I was shocked existed, crept out of their holes. Like spiders in the corners of your house chilling in their webs, waiting for their prey to struggle to the death, so did these memories have me, my mind and I was almost consumed.
God saved me from my sins and is delivering me daily from the things that were laid upon me. I have mentioned before that even Christians are not without the issues of life nor the issues of people and violations. The bible says that we should hold on because we will overcome the trouble. It says that we do because Christ has overcome the world (John 16 verse 33. I have had to climb through the dirt and rubble of depression and anxiety. My faith wasn’t non-existent but my mind and body were just tired. I laid there with tears in my eyes and the feeling of someone digging a hole from underneath me. It was then I cried out to my God. The foundations of my faith had remained. Scriptures upon scriptures written upon my heart brought to recollection that Hope is risen.
Everything I was feeling at that moment was not permanent but temporary and soon would pass. Many times we make permanent decisions in temporary places. The words tried to come and eventually all that slipped out was “God I know what Your word says, help me!” I was not without counselling and I definitely prayed and to this date pray that I won’t slip back into that state. That was 2017. it’s now 2020 and I continue to fight against trauma and flashbacks, but I know I have hope because of Jesus. He went through suffering and pain temporarily. He went to the grave temporarily only to permanently defeat death, the and hell. “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathise with our weakness…” Hebrews 4 verse 15 and so I remember this and know that I too can get through. In the end, it says in Revelation 12 verse 11 that one of the things that cause us as believers to win is the blood of the lamb (Jesus Christ).
I did want to give up. I almost did, but I’m glad I didn’t. As time went on I was able to face 2018 and by 2019 I realised that the devil sometimes wants to kill the potential in you. I don’t even want to give him too much credit, but this trial tried to break me for sure. The true test of faith the bible speaks of is said to come by fiery trials (1st Peter 1 verse 7). I think its fair to say that I have experienced some fiery trials. Will be the last time I’m tested? I doubt it. I know that it’s hard, however, I’ve experienced hope rising in my life every day since. I will be able to pull through because experience, as they say, brings wisdom. Maybe not for all but for most. And, now I look on to 2020 with hope and love and gratefulness for life.
I understand that if I hadn’t built my foundation on Christ I would be lost. If I had given up I would have missed out on dating this great person in my life. I would’ve forfeited my destiny and all that God has in store for me. What’s that you ask? We’ll just have to wait and see. “For eye has not seen ear has not heard nor has entered into the heart of man what is prepared for them who love Him.” 1st Corinthians 2 verse 9.